


An Unexpected Mystery Tour

by Uozumi



Series: I wrote these before series 8 aired because I have no self control [3]
Category: Doctor Who, The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), F/M, I Blame Tumblr, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-09
Packaged: 2018-02-08 03:24:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1924911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Uozumi/pseuds/Uozumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Burnt out from fighting Daleks, Jamie lets a young woman named Clara talk him into seeking medical care for a gravely injured Malcolm in a police box that’s bigger on the inside. Soon, Malcolm and Jamie are at the mercy of the police box and its pilot, the Doctor, while trying to get back to a survivable Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unexpected Mystery Tour

**Author's Note:**

> **Fandom** _Doctor Who_ / _The Thick of It_ (DoctorThickofIt)  
>  **Character(s)/Pairing(s)** Twelfth Doctor, Jamie MacDonald, Clara Oswald, Malcolm Tucker; Malcolm/Jamie, Clara/Doctor (Whouffle, Whouffaldi)  
>  **Genre** Dark/Het/Historical/Science Fiction/Slash  
>  **Rating** PG-13  
>  **Word Count** 7,748  
>  **Disclaimer** Doctor Who c. BBC; The Thick of It c. Iannucci, BBC  
>  **Summary** Burnt out from fighting Daleks, Jamie lets a young woman named Clara talk him into seeking medical care for a gravely injured Malcolm in a police box that’s bigger on the inside. Soon, Malcolm and Jamie are at the mercy of the police box and its pilot, the Doctor, while trying to get back to a survivable Earth.  
>  **Warning(s)** disease, electrocution, mentions of broken bones, spoilers through series eight promotional material and DWSR for _Doctor Who_ , potential spoilers for all series and specials of _The Thick of It_  
>  **Notes** This stemmed from a couple of reblogs on Tumblr. We were talking about Malcolm meeting Clara and about Twelve, Clara, Jamie, and Malcolm traveling together and the dark potential, though this fic went in some different directions than that discussion. I also threw in a theory of mine I’ve had since “The Time of the Doctor,” in which the reason Twelve mentioned his kidneys was because he was in pain and he needed to know if Clara could pilot the TARDIS because he was about to pass out. I have not read the leaked scripts or looked at information about them. Twelve and Clara are built up on conjecture based on DWSR. Stardates because it helps keep things organized. I’m using the AOS system, which is calendar year: number of days into the year. Also, swear filters are hard to write. The concept of the lava planet came from an RP I did with a friend. I also should say that the opinions of the characters expressed here are not my own. TNG is one of my babies.

**_An Unexpected Mystery Tour_ **

**London, England, Earth. Stardate: 2007.195**

The mechanical voices would echo in Jamie’s mind forever. He stood over Malcolm’s body and smashed off every eyestalk and gun he could until the Daleks stopped coming towards them with shouts about extermination and doctors. Jamie coughed hoarsely and panted, his entire upper body heaving with the effort of breathing. He did not know how long he fought. He remained tensed, just in case. Sometimes Malcolm made pained noise at Jamie’s feet. One of the aliens ran Malcolm over not long ago.

There was movement out of the corner of Jamie’s eye. He swung and managed to divert the pipe in his hands just in time when he heard a woman shriek. She was short and about as old as his oldest nieces. Jamie lowered his pipe. “There are crazy mindless killing metal psychos running around, what are you doing?” Jamie did not curse in front of his nieces. Now that he looked at her, Jamie realized that with blue eyes and a little more weight on her, she could have passed for one of his nieces. 

Clara looked at Jamie. Then she looked at Malcolm and stopped. Had his hair been whiter and his wrinkles deeper, she might have mistaken Malcolm for the Doctor. She looked back at Jamie. “The Daleks are gone. I’m sure the Doctor did something.”

Jamie stuck the pipe through one of his belt loops. “He needs a doctor too,” Jamie said. “Is there one close?” He knew that the hospital was too far away to drag Malcolm. 

Clara hesitated and then she nodded. “Yeah, we have a place nearby.” She knew there were medical supplies inside the TARDIS even if the Doctor was not that kind of doctor. “If you grab his torso, I’ll carry his legs,” she said. 

They lifted Malcolm up and navigated him through the damage done by the Daleks. They could smell smoke, fire, death, and smells that were akin to grilling meat. Jamie and Clara both knew what kind of meat they smelled and decided not to think about it too much. 

“That’s a police box,” Jamie said. He had not seen one in such a good condition in years. 

“Yes, and it has medical supplies in it,” Clara said. She held Malcolm’s legs under an arm and opened the door. She paused and then looked back at Jamie who could only see that there was a warm glow inside. She held his gaze and then thought better of whatever she wanted to say. “Just…watch your step.”

Jamie eyed her. Clara led them into the police box. When Jamie could see inside, he almost dropped Malcolm. “What –” He stared. It was a space ship and it was very, very large. 

“This way please,” Clara said. 

Jamie felt compelled to follow her instructions. She had a voice that carried weight and authority. Clara led them to a far wall and pressed a button with her elbow. A long padded shelf slid out of the wall. It was more than ample size for Malcolm’s body. Jamie and Clara heaved Malcolm on top of it. Clara began going through some nearby drawers. 

“Is he your friend?” Clara asked. 

“Colleague,” Jamie said. She passed a first aid kit to him to hold. 

Clara began checking Malcolm for injuries. “Do you know what injuries he might have?” she asked. 

“One of those things you called a Dalek ran over him,” Jamie said. 

Every time Malcolm inhaled, he let out a small involuntary whimper. Clara pressed gently along Malcolm’s torso and the noise grew louder. 

Clara frowned and turned some buttons on the shelf. It illuminated Malcolm’s body. There were multiple fractures in his ribs. She frowned.

“What do we do?” Jamie asked. 

The door to the TARDIS opened. The Doctor entered without looking at them. He headed for the console. “Clara, we can’t stay. We have to get away from here, we don’t have much time.”

“We can’t go yet,” Clara said. 

The Doctor looked over at her from where he hunched over the console. He saw Jamie and Malcolm for the first time and his eyes narrowed. He looked like Malcolm but older and wild. Jamie did not know why, but looking at this Doctor made the hair on his neck stand as much as they did when he first saw the Daleks for the first time hours ago. 

“What is this?” the Doctor asked. He pressed a few buttons, pulled a lever, and then walked over to the shelf. There was vibration under their feet and a whooshing sound above their heads. Jamie had a suspicion they were moving. 

“He was run over by a Dalek,” Clara said. “I found them near the TARDIS. They needed my help.”

The Doctor looked down at Malcolm. He looked at Jamie. “Jamie MacDonald and Malcolm Tucker,” he said after a long pause. His eyes widened as though he remembered something and he chose to keep the thought to himself. “You can use that injection from Ceti Alpha II,” the Doctor said to Clara. “It should sort him in a few hours.”

“What injection?” Jamie asked. He put a hand over Malcolm’s elbow closest to Clara. He looked at her and studied her properly. She looked human, but so did this Doctor. Clara did not make the hair on the back of Jamie’s neck stand on end. 

“When we were at Ceti Alpha II, I broke my pelvis,” she said. “I thought I was going to die, but their leader injected me with this.” She rummaged through a drawer and showed Jamie a large orange vial. “When I woke up, it had only been a few hours and I was completely healed.” 

“Ceti Alpha II?” Jamie looked at her. Then again, they were in a police box that was gigantic on the inside and currently moving on its own power. Clara did not look like a Klingon. 

“This is the TARDIS,” the Doctor said. “I can take you anywhere in space and time. Any planet, any moment.” He ran the tips of his fingers along the console as one might stroke the arm of a lover. 

“I don’t need to go anywhere in space and time,” Jamie said. “I just want to heal Malcolm and go home. The prime minister resigned. We’ve got a bunch of stuff to do or we’ll lose our jobs.” He removed his hand so that Clara could inject Malcolm with the substance. He knew he should not trust Clara, but he was already under her sway. 

“We can’t go back there,” the Doctor said. 

“Then take us back just after,” Jamie said. “What good is a time machine if you can’t control where you go?”

“We can’t go back,” the Doctor said. He held Jamie’s gaze and pulled himself to his full height. “Right now a Time Lord has landed. He’s going to create a year that never was. We can’t stop it. The year that never was must happen.” 

“The…what?” Jamie frowned. “That doesn’t make any flipping sense.” He paused. He meant to say fucking. He had never once said flipping in place of fucking. 

Clara put away the vial once she injected the solution into Malcolm’s blood stream. She stepped around Jamie, standing partially between Jamie and the Doctor. “Sometimes the TARDIS won’t take us back to specific location because it will interfere with something important. I’m going to the year 2014. I can help you get adjusted.” 

Jamie frowned. All of his decades of service to the party flashed before his eyes. All the nights he stayed at the office. All the times he had pushed others around and been pushed round. He worked very hard to get where he was in life and now he would have to start over when they managed to find seven years into his future. Jamie slammed his fist down against the shelf near Malcolm’s feet. Before he could express regret for even looking twice at the police box, the Doctor had him pinned to the wall beside the shelf. The Doctor leaned in so their faces were inches apart, his nose wrinkled and his lips curved. “Don’t hit the TARDIS,” the Doctor said. “Don’t spit on the TARDIS. Don’t mock the TARDIS. When you hit her, you hurt her.” He kept pressure on Jamie as Malcolm might except Jamie felt a chill of terror in his stomach that Malcolm never elicited in these situations. “Do you understand?”

Jamie opened his mouth and his voice failed. He swallowed and nodded. “Yes.”

The Doctor let Jamie go and retreated to his console. Jamie closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He regretted ever thinking Clara looked like his nieces. He regretted letting her talk him into coming into the police box. He opened his eyes and looked at the Doctor. Clara was beside the Doctor now, speaking in a firm voice that was too quiet for Jamie to understand what she was saying. Jamie looked at Malcolm, who was no longer making involuntary noises of pain. He wondered if bringing Malcolm here was worth it.

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

Malcolm woke up in a room full of black, white, and many greys in-between. He laid on a bed with bedding that was swirls of blues and creams. He looked to the other side of the room where Jamie slept in a bed covered in reds. There was a constant vibration from the floor. Everything smelled unidentifiable. Malcolm’s insides itched. It was a deep, set in bone itch. He rubbed his stomach though it did not help and got out of bed. He went over to Jamie. The man was sound asleep. Malcolm rubbed his stomach again. He decided to explore alone. If they were prisoners, they probably would not have gotten luxurious beds.

Malcolm entered the hallway and started looking at what rooms he came across. He found the toilets and he found a room full of junk. Nothing seemed to have medical supplies. Malcolm turned a corner and almost walked right into a young woman. They both looked at each other a moment. She looked like one of Jamie’s nieces who ate lunch with Jamie on occasion. 

“Does it itch?” Clara asked. 

“How do you know?” Malcolm asked. “Where am I?”

Clara motioned for Malcolm to follow. She led him through several twisting hallways. “You broke your ribs. We had to treat them with a serum.” She found a very small sink tucked into a corner with hand towels. Clara ran the water until it was ice cold and then she ran one of the hand towels under it. She wrung the towel out until it was no longer wet and dripping. She handed it to him. “Put this against your skin. It will help.”

Malcolm took the towel. The itching was too strong to argue. He turned to the side to unbutton his shirt and place the towel against his skin. It felt weird to do this in front of a woman younger than Sam after only just meeting. “You didn’t say where we are.” 

Clara considered her words. “That thing that hit you was a Dalek. It’s an alien life form that exterminates populations. Your injuries were severe, so I had your colleague bring you onto our space and time machine.” Her eyes did not leave Malcolm’s face, watching his reaction intently. “We had to leave. I don’t know where we’re going.”

Malcolm kept a hand against his torso, keeping the cloth against the itch, which was becoming tolerable. His eyes narrowed. “Sentient bug spray just messed up,” he meant fucked up, “the country. Tom is going to be in power. He’s going to mess it up.” Malcolm paused and decided he did not want to know why something censored his words. It was probably some kind of dream brought on by morphine at some hospital somewhere. It would explain why Jamie was with him. “I have to go make sure the wrong people don’t mess it up even worse.”

“When we get back to Earth, it’ll be 2014,” Clara said. “I’m sorry.”

“2014,” Malcolm said. “What kind of messed up time machine can’t take me back home?” 

Clara did not answer. “You need to rest. You won’t be done healing until it stops itching.” 

“I don’t need to rest,” Malcolm said. He frowned. “Are you the pilot?”

“No, the Doctor is,” Clara said. “He’s in the console room.” 

Malcolm buttoned his shirt back up and rested his hand against the towel to keep it in place. “Take me there,” he said. 

Clara led the way. When they arrived in the console room, the Doctor was sitting on the steps reading a novel. He looked up at Clara and Malcolm and stood, setting the novel into a nook near the door. 

Malcolm froze when he saw the Doctor. It was like looking into a mirror that showed him 2017. He was definitely stuck in a coma somewhere. “Daleks,” Malcolm said and even with the swear filter on the TARDIS, everyone in the room knew he meant bollocks. 

Clara did not know what to make of it either. She looked from Malcolm to the Doctor. 

“When I regenerate, I can only use faces I’ve seen before,” the Doctor said to Clara. 

“Nobody gave you permission to contort my face,” Malcolm said. 

The Doctor moved closer. It was more than just Malcolm’s face. Their hair was the same texture. Their skin was the same pale colour. Their skeletal structures appeared identical. “I didn’t borrow your face. I borrowed the face of one of your ancestors,” the Doctor said. “A man named Lucius Caecilius.” 

Malcolm eyed the Doctor. “I’ve got to go home,” Malcolm said. “We were attacked. The opposition is going to have us by our tails. I need to be there.” 

“We can’t go back,” the Doctor said. “That time is closed to us now. I can take you to 2014 when I take Clara home.”

“2014…” Malcolm’s voice trailed. “That’s seven years.” He took two strides, holding the Doctor’s gaze. Their bodies were almost touching. Malcolm put a finger on the Doctor’s chest. “I can’t be gone for seven years. I didn’t work hard for thirty years to throw it all away over mobile bins.” 

The Doctor looked down at the finger on his chest. His eyes then returned to Malcolm’s face. “Remove your finger,” his voice was firm. 

Malcolm pressed his finger against the Doctor’s chest harder instead. He held the Doctor’s gaze. 

“If you two could stop posturing, we’re about to land,” Clara said. She was not sure if they were, but she could not think of a better way to break the moment before it got out of control. A few moments later, the TARDIS shuddered to a halt.

**Lava Mountains, Bzyl, Kaleda. Stardate: 5552.486.**

It was not earth. There were vast volcanoes and other mountains all around them. The sky was a noxious green colour and everything smelled of pyroclastic flow and sulphur. The Doctor led the way to the edge of a cliff where they could look out at everything.

The lava flew about overhead. Clara shielded her eyes. “It looks like they’re throwing the lava at each other.”

“They are,” the Doctor said. “The mountains are alive.”

There was a rumble from bellow and Clara grabbed onto the Doctor before he could fall. Jamie reached out and grabbed Clara’s arm and Malcolm grabbed onto Jamie. They all flattened themselves against the cliff as it shook and trembled. The TARDIS vacated the area, reappearing across the mountains at the top of a building. 

“You have got to be kidding me,” Jamie hissed. 

The ground continued to shake and then it began to crack. Without warning, the four visitors fell down deep into the mountain and landed in an empty service cart. The cart carried large bags of dust, which cushioned their falls. The cart continued along its track unhampered by its new cargo. 

“Where are we going?” Clara asked. 

“This shouldn’t exist,” the Doctor said. “The only life on this planet are bacteria that can withstand temperatures of 3,000 degrees Celsius.” 

“I thought lava only heated up to 1,100 degrees,” Clara said. 

“On Earth,” the Doctor said. 

They could hear noise coming up ahead. It sounded like someone drilling into the rock. Malcolm and Jamie sat on one end of the cart while Clara and the Doctor sat on the other. Malcolm looked over his shoulder at where they were heading just in time for the Doctor to yank them down so they could not see over the lip of the cart and no one could see them over the lip of the cart. 

“What are you doing?” Jamie hissed. 

“Shhhhh,” the Doctor said. “There are Cybermen.”

Malcolm slowly peeked up enough to see what lay before them and then moved back down deeper into the cart. 

“Well? Bunch of Schwarzeneggers out there?” Jamie asked. 

“Bunch of silver losers,” Malcolm meant cunts, “is more like it.”

“Listen carefully,” the Doctor said. “When this cart stops, we’ll have to act quickly. The TARDIS is going to be north of us. If we go down separate tunnels, we’ll have more of a chance. Clara will come with me. We’ll go to the right. You two will go to the left.”

“How do you know the left isn’t a dead end?” Malcolm asked. 

“Because the Cybermen operate like a hive. Everything will lead back to the heart of the nest,” the Doctor said. 

“Why are they here?” Clara asked. “You said there wasn’t any life here.”

“There isn’t,” the Doctor said. “I have been here twice and there’s noth…” his voice trailed. “There’s nothing but caves from an ancient era.” He licked his lips. “I guess we know what made the caves now.”

“This is brilliant,” Malcolm said. “Trapped with robot aliens and a fleshy one that doesn’t know his Dalek from his Cyberman.”

“I don’t know who’s censoring us but they can stop now,” Jamie murmured. 

“The cart will slow soon,” the Doctor said, “get ready to run. Go quickly.” 

When the cart stopped, the group split into pairs. Malcolm and Jamie ran down the hall to the left while the Doctor and Clara ran down the hall to the right. “He’s got a plan,” Malcolm said, “and we’re the bait.” 

“Probably,” Jamie agreed. He huffed after Malcolm. His head ached from a lack of tobacco, but he had no fags on him. They ran along the shadows. The Cybermen had a lot of supplies about to hide behind as they journeyed. 

Malcolm stayed ahead of Jamie. His ribs no longer itched and he lost the hand towel somewhere during the fall when the bottom of his shirt ripped. Malcolm could see the center of the structure approach. He looked back at Jamie and stopped. Jamie was not behind him. Malcolm cursed under his breath and retraced his steps. He still could not hear or see signs of Jamie. The Cybermen around Malcolm continued about their business, not looking to him in the shadows. 

“I AM GOING TO KICK YOUR FLIPPING SKULL IN!” Jamie’s shout echoed. 

Malcolm blinked and noticed a hallway partially blocked by bags of dust. Malcolm peered around the bags of dust. Jamie along with several purple-skinned humanoids were in a line, heading towards a sparking machine. Jamie was the last in line and there were three purple aliens ahead of him. Malcolm watched as the next purple alien in line was forced into the machine and became a Cyberman. Malcolm looked around. There was a cart of spare Cybermen parts. Malcolm grabbed an arm out of it and charged forward. 

Malcolm attacked the Cybermen keeping Jamie in line. He could hear more of them coming down the corridor to assist. 

“You will be assimilated,” the Cybermen said as the native aliens continued to assimilate. 

“What is this?” Malcolm asked. It was like that show his niece watched with the Shakespearean actor pretending to be a starship captain. 

“Some kind of Borg,” Jamie said. He had housemates over a decade ago that lived for that show. Jamie knew more than he ever wanted to know about it because of them. 

Malcolm got to Jamie and grabbed Jamie’s wrist. The Cybermen opened fire. Malcolm tried to block the shots with the cyberarm. 

Without warning, an electrical pulse crackled through the room and through the Cybermen. Malcolm and Jamie shouted in pain as the electricity pulsed through their bodies. They were on their knees shortly as the Cybermen around them fell to the ground. The electricity stopped and started, controlled, deliberate. Malcolm fell onto his side. He felt Jamie fall on top of him. Both of them twitched with residual electric impulses long after the electricity ceased from the floor. 

It was maybe half an hour later when Clara ran up to them, careful not to trip on the Cybermen’s corpses. She knelt down and gingerly touched Jamie’s hand and then Malcolm’s. “Can you move?” she asked. 

Jamie grunted and sat up very slowly. His body still twitched. Once Jamie was off Malcolm, Malcolm tried to sit up. He felt dizzy and his mouth tasted like tinned juice. He looked past Clara at the Doctor. The Doctor was blank, his lips relaxed, chin upwards. They stared at each other and Malcolm knew why the pulses had been so controlled. He wondered if Clara’s presence ensured that Malcolm and Jamie survived. 

Clara and the Doctor helped Malcolm and Jamie to their feet. 

“The TARDIS is up some stairs,” the Doctor said. “We should hurry.” 

Malcolm did not think that the Cybermen were going to be a problem. He tried to ignore the smouldering remains of the purple humanoids amongst the Cybermen. The group went up the stairs nearby to the top of the structure. Once inside the TARDIS, they were back in the void.

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

Malcolm passed by the console room on his way back to the room he shared with Jamie. Clara and the Doctor stood over the controls, their bodies as close as could be without actually touching. The Doctor suddenly put a hand on the center of his torso and bent over in pain. Malcolm watched as Clara rushed to one of the drawers along the wall of the TARDIS and retrieved something. She placed whatever it was in the Doctor’s mouth. He gripped the console tighter and shut his eyes tight.

“What do you need?” Clara asked him quietly. 

“You know what I need,” the Doctor hissed in pain. 

“I mean that I can do,” Clara said. She placed a hand on his back. Her eyes were fixed on his face. Her fingers ran through his hair. The Doctor let her do this. After a moment, he breathed easier and continued to bow his head until her fingers left his hair. 

Malcolm headed down the hall before either saw him near the entry. He slipped into the room he shared with Jamie. Jamie was on Jamie’s bed, face buried into the bedding. Malcolm looked down at him. 

Jamie rolled onto his back and looked up at Malcolm. “I still can’t feet my feet,” he said. “I can’t feel my flipping feet.” He made a noise of disgust and annoyance. “Stop it. Just flipping stop it at least in this room. I want to sound like I’m forty-fucking-three, not twelve.” 

“About fucking time,” Malcolm murmured. “Thank you,” he said. He felt like he was thanking the walls and somehow they heard him. Malcolm sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Let me see your feet.” 

Jamie sighed. He pulled the covers back. Malcolm sat on the foot of the bed and pulled Jamie’s socks from his feet. Jamie’s soles had multiple contact points. All the nerves in his feet were bright pink along Jamie’s feet and up his leg. Malcolm grasped one of Jamie’s ankles, and inspected his foot. Malcolm traced his finger along the sole, careful of the wounds. 

“Don’t tickle me you bastard,” Jamie growled. 

“So you felt that?” Malcolm asked. 

“Not really,” Jamie said. “I can feel everything but the soles.” He took a deep breath. He frowned. “Maybe I’m in a fucking coma. I’m probably just a body in a sea of unlucky cunts who got caught up in some terrorist attack.” His breathing and heart rate rapidly increased. “They were going to make me one of those things.” He shut his eyes and drew his legs up. 

Malcolm frowned. He moved on the bed so he was sitting beside Jamie. “Tell me what you need.” It was a sentence he heard his granny use with his granddad growing up when his granddad’s eyes would get distant and his fingers tense. His granddad had been a veteran of World War I. 

Jamie did not know. He could smell the assimilation process. He could hear it. He could see the purple humanoids turning into those Cybermen. Jamie let out an involuntary whimper. 

“Breathe,” Malcolm said, drawing on everything he had ever heard his granny say. “In and out,” he said. He put a hand on Jamie’s back, keeping it stationary while feeling the rhythm of Jamie’s breaths. “Concentrate on my voice, concentrate on my hand. The Germans – Cybercunts – aren’t here.”

“Germans?” Jamie asked. “What do the Germans have to do with this?”

“They’re not here either,” Malcolm said. “Does it matter?” 

Jamie sighed He stretched out on the bed. He reached out and tugged on Malcolm’s arm so Malcolm would stretch out with him. Neither of them said anything or acknowledged what they were doing. Jamie curled up and buried his face into Malcolm’s chest, lest he smell anything else. Malcolm let him do this and wrapped an arm around Jamie. They fell asleep soon after.

**Florence, Italy, Earth. Stardate: 1348.171**

The port city was full of people. The group exited the TARDIS and looked around. Clara, Jamie, and Malcolm had clothing appropriate for the Italian Renaissance. Malcolm and Jamie’s suits were beyond repair, so they had to rely on the TARDIS’ storage for clothing.

“Are you sure this is Florence?” Jamie asked. 

“It is,” the Doctor said. “Florence in the age of the masters.” He started down the streets. Clara followed beside him and Malcolm and Jamie followed close behind. 

“Then where’s the cathedral?” Jamie said. “It should be here.” He looked around and then paused. “What year is this?”

“1500,” the Doctor said. He stood beside Jamie and followed his gaze. The Doctor put his hands in his pockets and exposed the lining of his jacket. “That’s the cathedral for St. Reparata. It’s from the fifth century.”

“Yeah, they tore it down to build Saint Mary of the Flower before 1500,” Jamie said. 

The Doctor’s jaw tensed. His eyes scanned the people around them. He took a deep breath and smelled the air. He stuck out his tongue. 

“Is it a stroke?” Malcolm asked Clara quietly. 

“No,” she said. “He’s gathering data.” 

Someone walked through an alley nearby with a large bird beak-like mask over their face. The Doctor grabbed Jamie and pulled him back. “Into the TARDIS,” the Doctor said firmly to his companions. “Into the TARDIS.” 

“What?” Clara asked but she did move with them back towards the TARDIS. 

Once they were all inside, the Doctor went to the console and began programming in a new destination. “It was the wrong year,” he said. “If we stayed, we would have been in trouble.” The Doctor pulled a lever and the TARDIS returned to the void. 

“What was that about?” Malcolm asked. 

“That wasn’t 1500, that was 1348,” the Doctor said as though they should all know the gravity of his statement. He looked at Clara. “Have you ever seen butterflies that glow in the dark?”

“No,” she said. “Why did we have to leave so quickly?” 

“Fixed point in time,” the Doctor said. “Better to leave than agonize over it.”

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

It was twenty-four hours later that included an excursion to a planet where the waterfalls literally sang and the butterflies glowed in the dark. Clara’s face lit up at every new wonder and Malcolm felt like where they went were dependent on her happiness when the Doctor succeeded in programming his TARDIS to his promised locations.

Malcolm and Jamie were alone in their room. Malcolm stripped off his shirt. They had changed back to modern clothing for the alien planet. He rubbed the back of his neck and felt a finger ghost along bumps on Malcolm’s lower back. The bumps on his back matched bumps on Malcolm’s ankles and legs. His stomach tensed as it always did when Jamie touched him no matter how casually. “What?” Malcolm asked. Jamie’s finger only made the bumps itch. 

“Looks like flea bites,” Jamie said. 

Malcolm’s shoulders flexed when he felt Jamie’s finger leave the bite marks and glide up his back. “Probably from that weird planet,” he said. “That’s when they started to itch.”

“I don’t think I can wait for 2014,” Jamie said quietly. He scratched Malcolm’s back, avoiding the bites, trying to do something with his hands to distract himself from the fact they were trapped on the TARDIS with little options. Even if he created a mutiny, he did not know how to work the console. He did not want to seal with fate with more Cybermen. 

Malcolm leaned into the touch. “I don’t think I can either,” he said. “When we find a place that’s better than this, I’m going to leave.” He did not want to say the first place. He would not want to live amongst dinosaurs or be trapped on a rocket heading into the sun. 

Jamie flattened his palm and ran it down Malcolm’s shoulders before moving away. Jamie nodded. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He hurriedly opened his eyes again. He could almost feel himself becoming a Cyberman. It was not hard to imagine now that he saw the process. His heart began to beat faster and breathing became harder. 

“Breathe,” Malcolm said gently. 

“I am,” Jamie whispered. He shuddered. He made fists with his hands so tight that his fists twitched and his knuckles turned white. “I should fuck off the first chance I get,” he said. He laid down in Malcolm’s bed. Jamie’s bed smelled too much like the TARDIS. 

Malcolm sighed and got in beside Jamie. They slept fitfully, always keeping close enough to touch, close enough to remind themselves it was not a nightmare and not a coma.

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

Everyone was gathered in the console room. “I don’t care if it’s 2014 or 1976, I want to go to a survivable Earth,” Jamie said. He looked at the Doctor. “If you can’t flip us back to 2007, you could at least flip us to some equivalent.” Jamie made a frustrated growl at the censorship. Only Malcolm and Jamie’s room was uncensored.

“It doesn’t work that way,” the Doctor growled back. “I can put in June 13, 1972, Glasgow, Scotland, and we could end up on Maxila-8 in the century of their eighth monarch.”

As Jamie continued to argue with the Doctor, Clara looked at Malcolm. Malcolm was leaning against the wall of the console room with his eyes closed and his arms folded. He had found a long double breasted coat and wrapped it around himself tightly. The collar was folded up for added warmth. He shivered. Clara stepped away from the argument and went over to Malcolm. 

“Are you okay?” she asked quietly. 

“Yeah,” Malcolm said. He shivered again. “Just cold and hot.” 

Clara frowned. “I’m sure the TARDIS will take us back to my time soon. She always does.” 

Malcolm breathed through his nose. “You might want to step back,” he said. “Now.” 

Clara did so. Malcolm turned away from her and vomited. It was a foamy vomit since he had not eaten in hours and very pink from blood. 

Jamie and the Doctor stopped arguing and looked at Malcolm. Malcolm knelt down and vomited until he was left with dry heaves. Clara knelt beside him and then stopped. She carefully pulled the collar of Malcolm’s borrowed coat aside and touched his neck. 

“What is it?” the Doctor asked. 

Clara looked at him and Jamie. “I think…it’s the plague.”

The Doctor was beside Malcolm within a few strides. He urged Clara to move away. He touched Malcolm’s neck. He pulled the coat from Malcolm’s arm and felt under his armpit. 

“Flipping Daleks, I’m not some toy,” Malcolm murmured, but he did not have the energy to fight the prodding. 

The Doctor frowned. “Clara, program the TARDIS for Earth after the twentieth century. We need antibiotics.”

Clara nodded. She began to push the buttons and manipulate the levers. 

Jamie watched Malcolm shiver. Jamie did not know how to work the TARDIS or how to help Malcolm. 

The Doctor checked Malcolm’s ankles. The bites along them were fainter now. The Doctor pressed his hand to Malcolm’s forehead. The TARDIS shuddered to a halt. The Doctor sat Malcolm so Malcolm could lean against the wall of the TARDIS. He went to check the readouts when they landed.

**Paris, France, Earth. Stardate: 2672.282**

The world was at war. The hospital was overcrowded. The Doctor had gone to do who knew what. Clara elected to stay behind with Jamie and Malcolm. Malcolm was slouched back in one of the waiting room chairs near the toilets with his eyes closed. He held a bucket that the nurses gave him to hold any bile he might throw up. He was still shivering. His patient number was 571. The current patient seen by the emergency room staff was 552.

“Does it still hurt?” Clara asked Jamie. 

Jamie had tried to bully his way into getting Malcolm seen to sooner than later. It ended with a mild electrified laser to his side. “Yeah,” he said. It stung, but it was tolerable. He did not want to be zapped again. 

Clara looked around at the people around them. When the nurses assessed Malcolm and assigned him a number, she could barely imagine a world in which the plague was the least of a hospital’s worries. Now, she could understand. There were people who had been in the worst fighting. There were people who had boils that oozed. 

“I said I was going to leave the first chance I got,” Jamie said. “Flying around in a murder box is better than this.” 

“It’s not a ‘murder box,’” Clara said. 

“The Doctor brings you flowers. He showed you glow in the dark butterflies. He took you with him when he electrocuted us,” Jamie said. “You probably think it’s a flipping snog box.” He groaned at the censorship. 

“It’s not a ‘snog box’ either,” Clara said. She paused. “I thought the Cybermen electrocuted you.” 

“If they did, they knew how to do it so we would live and they would die,” Jamie said. 

Clara thought back. “The levers, we powered down the central unit.”

“And transferred the power into our feet,” Jamie said. 

Clara’s eyebrows drew together. She frowned. 

“He split us up on purpose. He knew Malcolm and I are a flight risk. I can barely feel the soles of my feet.” Jamie frowned. He looked at Clara and sighed. “I’m telling you this because you need to know.” 

“I know,” she said. “Not about the electricity, but I know he’s not…normal.” Clara rested her hands in her lap and grasped the fabric of her long skirt. She took a deep breath. “We haven’t gotten back to 2014, because he knows I’m going to leave when we do. I haven’t told him yet, but he knows. It’s not fun anymore. It hasn’t been fun since he changed. He tries, but…” she shivered. 

“But what?” Jamie asked. 

She took a deep breath. “Sometimes when he looks at me, it’s not him. Like when he got rough with you. That wasn’t the Doctor.” 

“Then why travel with him?” Jamie asked. 

“I do love him,” she said. “I have for a long time, but he’s just not that man anymore. Someone has to look after him, but…” her voice trailed. She hooked some hair behind her ear. “I thought I would leave when we landed in 2007, but I saw the two of you and I knew I could help. I didn’t think it would lead to this.” 

Jamie frowned. He looked over at Malcolm. Malcolm made an involuntary noise of illness and exhaustion. Jamie felt Clara’s hand on his arm, squeezing it reassuringly.

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

Once the doctors looked at Malcolm, they were able to cure him quickly. Jamie and Clara also received shots in case they had been exposed to the bacterium as well. Back in the TARDIS, Malcolm sank down on to his bed. He was pale. The doctors warned that the antibiotics were so aggressive that they could leave someone in a weakened state and damage their lymphatic system, especially if they had to fight off something like the plague. However, the aggressive antibiotics were the only option to treat the plague in a world that had no use for antibiotics from the twenty and twenty-first centuries. He took off the long coat and it slid down off the bed and onto the floor. Malcolm looked at the coat on the floor. “Fuck it,” he murmured. He slid his feet out of his shoes.

Jamie sat on his own bed. He watched Malcolm. Malcolm stretched out on his bed. The swelling in his body was gone and his other symptoms. He looked at Jamie. He did not blame Jamie for staying on the other side of the room even if they both had the aggressive antibiotic in their systems. 

“If we get out of this together, I’m going to fuck you,” Jamie said. 

Malcolm blinked. “What?”

“I’m going to fuck you,” Jamie repeated. Of course if Malcolm was uninterested, Jamie would not, but he figured that went without saying. “But not in this murder box.” 

“Come here,” Malcolm said. It was Jamie’s choice, not an order. 

Jamie got up and went over to Malcolm. Malcolm tugged on Jamie’s shirt so he could pull Jamie down to kiss him. The kiss was firm, demanding. Jamie leaned over Malcolm and deepened the kiss. Malcolm tugged on Jamie, trying to move him closer. Jamie climbed up onto the bed and straddled Malcolm. He leaned down and kissed Malcolm again. Malcolm ran his hand through Jamie’s hair. Their bodies slowly drew closer together. Malcolm broke the kiss and mouthed at Jamie’s neck. Jamie shivered. “I don’t want to fuck you here,” he murmured. He knew if Malcolm started sucking on that side of Jamie’s neck, it would be hard to stop. “I don’t want to remember this place every time I bite you.”

Malcolm’s mouth stopped and he leaned back deeper into the bed. Jamie flattened out on Malcolm. He rested his head against Malcolm’s shoulder. Malcolm still smelled like the hospital. Jamie wrinkled his nose. It did not make for easy sleeping.

**Cosmic Carnival, Jvt’k, Mr’tk. Stardate: 825671.321**

It was not Earth. It was not an Earth-like planet either. However, it could house carbon based, oxygen-dependant life. Gasses rose up from the ground around them. There was strange music in the air. The Doctor looked around and then he almost smiled. “The Cosmic Carnival,” he said. “You can do almost anything here, see anything here. It’s the opportunity of a life time.”

Clara looked at Jamie. Jamie looked at Clara. They both looked at Malcolm. Since the aggressive antibiotics, Malcolm had lost weight. He was beginning to look more and more like the Doctor despite it being about three months since Malcolm survived the plague. Malcolm swayed on his feet and put his hands in the pockets of the long coat. 

Clara hooked her arm with Malcolm’s and walked with him and the Doctor. Malcolm watched the carnival. The lights sometimes hurt his eyes. The music was grating. He took a deep breath. 

They walked along the carnival. Clara would ask the Doctor questions and he would explain what they could see. They stopped at a large tank and watched creatures that looked like rubbery florescent bulbs swim. Malcolm squinted at them. He looked over his shoulder. “This is messed up,” he murmured and then blinked. Jamie was not with them. There was, however, an alien following them. 

The alien scampered way once they discovered it. The Doctor frowned deeply. “Hurry,” the Doctor said. He began to run. Clara and Malcolm followed. Malcolm could not run the way he used to. He could keep up with Clara easily, but the Doctor was always almost too far ahead. “That thing mimics people’s voices so they can be used as snacks. It’s illegal, but it still happens,” the Doctor explained as they ran. 

The Doctor turned a sharp corner and retrieved his sonic. He pointed it straight in front of him. When Malcolm and Clara turned the corner, they skidded to a stop. Jamie was alive but unconscious, covered in batter, and about to be fried. The alien operating the machine had its tentacles in the air. The Doctor adjusted the noise of his sonic until the aliens’ suction cups began to vibrate in time with the sonic. 

The alien began to shriek. It tried to shake its tentacles to stop the painful sensation. While the alien was distracted, Malcolm and the Doctor got Jamie down from the frying apparatus. Malcolm wiped the batter from Jamie’s face so he could breathe. 

“We need to go back to the TARDIS,” Malcolm said. “You two can continue, but we,” he put a hand on Jamie’s chest, “have to go back.”

**TARDIS, time vortex. Stardate: Unknown**

They all returned to the TARDIS. Malcolm pulled Jamie into one of the showers on the TARDIS and washed away the batter. Jamie was still unconscious. Hours after they returned to the void, Malcolm found himself in the console room. The Doctor and Clara were not in the room. Malcolm looked at the console, but he did not know how to program it, though he could guess landing sequences now.

Malcolm touched the console with his fingertips and then he removed his hand. “Sorry,” he said. He was not sure he should touch the console. The Doctor always seemed to touch it as though it were alive. Malcolm looked around. He was still alone. 

“You’ve got to help me,” he said quietly. “If you can hear me.” He was not sure if the TARDIS was sentient. It did seem to be automated at least. “Take us somewhere we can live. Let us go.”

Malcolm’s eyes followed the tube running up from the centre of the console. He did not know if anything heard him or would help him. He retreated to the bedroom.

**London, England, Earth. Stardate: 1892.343**

When the TARDIS rattled to a halt, they were on Earth. The Doctor suggested that they all wear clothing appropriate for the calendar date. It was December 9, 1892 and they were in London. Clara found a beautiful late Victorian gown and the Doctor helped pull her hair back in curls. Malcolm and Jamie both managed to find suits that fit the era and their bodies. Even the Doctor put on an appropriate costume.

Jamie did not know if Clara would leave the Doctor. All Jamie knew was that he would leave the Doctor and Malcolm would come with him. They exited the TARDIS. The Doctor handed out facemasks to ward off the slow-moving, toxic fog across the city. The Doctor only had three masks. He reached into his pocket for a fourth and found none. 

“I should get another one,” he said. “Sulphur dioxide isn’t good for me either.” He went back to the TARDIS. 

The fog was thick and it stung their eyes. The Doctor did not return. Clara looked back at the TARDIS. “I should check on him,” she said. She turned towards the TARDIS just in time for it to whir and disappear into space and time. 

The three companions looked at the space the TARDIS once occupied. It did not return. 

“We have to get out of this fog,” Malcolm said. He offered an arm to Clara. She took it and then she took Jamie’s arm in turn. They walked through the streets until they could find a means to leave the city.

**Scotland, Earth. Stardate: 1908.86**

They settled in Scotland as the Oswalds and told everyone that Jamie was Clara’s father and Malcolm’s brother. Malcolm and Jamie shared two bedrooms to hide what was now a very illegal relationship. Malcolm continued recovering and rebuilding his strength after the aggressive antibiotics, though it would never be a full recovery. Jamie wrote pulp fiction comprised of exaggerated memories from before he met the Doctor. Clara became a midwife for the region. The oddest occurrence in their lives was when Jamie’s great-granddad came to court Clara and succeeded. Jamie saw a photo of Clara in her wedding dress frequently growing up as a child, but it was not until the wedding that Jamie fully realized.

The sun was setting when Malcolm and Jamie walked along the roads near the cottage. It was hard to stay indoors for long periods, even sixteen years after the Doctor. A movement far away caught Jamie’s attention and when Jamie stopped to look, that got Malcolm’s attention. They watched a leggy man in a long brown coat run into a police box followed by a dark woman in a red leather jacket. Once they were both inside, the police box vanished into the growing twilight. 

Jamie felt his heart stop and then speed up. He could not look away from the spot the TARDIS once occupied. He could smell batter. He could taste metal. 

“Breathe,” Malcolm said. He rested a weak hand on Jamie’s shoulder. “Breathe and tell me what you need.” 

Jamie counted to ten and tried to regulate his breathing. “I need police boxes to fuck off.” He closed his eyes but he felt like he was falling without a cart to catch him. He opened his eyes and for a brief moment, he thought he saw the stalk of a Dalek in a nearby field, but it was overgrown grass. “Tell me the ‘Germans’ aren’t here.”

**The End**


End file.
